


All The Little Things (Cut From Marble)

by Liravell



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin/Ahsoka implied, Angst, Episode: s02e06 Weapons Factory, Episode: s03e16 Altar of Mortis, Episode: s05e20 The Wrong Jedi, Memories, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Post-Episode: s05e20 The Wrong Jedi, Sad, Silka Beads, not in sexual way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 12:04:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11828388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liravell/pseuds/Liravell
Summary: It's angsty and shitty. 'Cause I'm an angsty and shitty person.





	All The Little Things (Cut From Marble)

**Author's Note:**

> It's angsty and shitty. 'Cause I'm an angsty and shitty person.

It was inevitable: the scent of nlorna flower always reminded him of her. And it was still there. With his every breath he could feel the light smell of rain and flower wafting in the air like she'd still be here, where she belonged.

  
He opened his eyes unable to concentrate. Cold, metal walls contrasted with wooden frame of his bed. Too big table was almost empty except few books, which Obi-Wan lend him, lying on it. There were no windows, they were impractical in cabins on Star Destroyers but there were three, small monitors placed in the walls that showed any image that he wanted - forests, deserts, cities or stars. Right now it showed an image of a violet sphere that they were heading to. The Council informed him and his old master about the Separatists attack on Anaxes and send them to take back the planet. He wasn't surprised. The planet was called Green Courusant and was quite important which made it a great target for the Separatist wanting to harm the Republic as much as they can. To him, the planet meant only one thing - another battle.

  
Sometimes he tried to imagine who would he be if the war wouldn't change him. Nothing. Sometimes he tried to imagine what would happen if the war would end today and he couldn't. Blackness. Not a single idea. He just blamed that on the lack of imagination. A month ago he couldn't imagine life without his Padawan and now she was gone.

  
She left the Order, she left him. Some of her words still hunted Anakin in his dreams. Repeating. Overthinking. Sometimes he thought that it could drive him crazy. Ahsoka's words in his head took on the new meaning. Her softly spoken words transformed into accusations. Did he really abandon her? Did he fail her trust? Deep down he knew that he didn't but when the darkness fell his own demons had been telling him otherwise. He didn't even know if she was alive...This thought send shivers down his spine.

  
He shifted feeling defeated. Obi-Wan always advised him to meditate before a battle to clear his mind from unrequired thoughts and emotions though usually he didn't have time or will to do that this time was different. He could feel a storm growing under his skin, in his veins. He tried to relax, spend most of time with the ones he loved but every day there was more sadness, more... fear. His eyes wandered to the silka beads lying next to his lightsaber on the small shelf near the bed. Not sure if this was a good idea he stood up and walked to a painful memory of what he lost. He grabbed it. Once Ahsoka was wearing it on her head, it was moving, jumping, flying around when she moved - now it was just lying there lifeless. Cold beads started to get warmer in his hand as he went back to bed and sat in his meditating position. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, probably it was a bad one but he just had to try. The Force could show him anything, so there was a chance that it could show him where she was now.

  
Closing his eyes he isolated himself from everything. The time has passed and he didn't even flinch. And then came the visions...

***

  
'I'm sorry, Master' said a soft voice in his comlink. 'We can't make it out.'

  
He slew one droid after another as they came closer and closer.

  
'Can't make it out?' For a second he did not understand what Ahsoka meant and then it hit him. He could feel his heart stopping for a moment. With one quick movement of his hand he destroyed all the droids that were near him.

  
'Ahsoka, wait!' he yelled but she did not listen. It took only a moment. Explosion. Fire. Noise. Dust and smoke. His eyes widened as he watched tons of ground and metal falling down on Ahsoka and Barris. Seconds passed and he just stood there staring at the smoke coming from the ruins. His Padawan was somewhere there and he had to find her.

  
He remembered sound of engines from the clone's ship. He remembered giving Captain Rex orders to start digging. But it all didn't matter. He felt lost and confused. The searching area was so big and her small body could be just lying anywhere... Lifeless. He looked around only to see Luminara kneeling in the dust. Petrified himself he tried to cheer her up but she seemed peaceful. Like she did not care if they find them or not, like she'd already lost them. She spoke to him. To let go. Leave them. Maybe that was easier? Maybe, but he couldn't do it. She was still somewhere there and Master Unduli's words just made him irritated. He won't give up on her. Never.

  
Minutes passed. Smoke flew away. The padawans were fading just like hope in his eyes.

  
Anakin always believed that sometimes impossible things just happen and we call them miracles and the quiet beeping sound, coming from his comlink, surely was one of them.

  
'I'm picking on a pulse on Ahsoka's com-channel. It's coming from over there.' He pointed on a heap of rubble. There was no time for machines. He used the force to move the metal out of his way. When he did two silhouettes emerged from the debris. He felt relief in his heart. She was alive.

  
Rest of the day was spent on celebrating the victory with 501st Legion. Conversation, laughs, stories and jokes. He saw Ahsoka sneaking out to her cabin. So did he. Jedi Master knocked on the door and they opened automatically. His Padawan was sitting on her bed with a medical pack in front of her. She had no serious wounds, just some scratches and cuts, but with extreme precision she cleared them with bacta to make sure there'd be no infection. In Jedi life even the smallest wound could be dangerous.

  
'Hey, Snips!' Anakin smiled at her as he walked into the room.

  
'What brings you here, Skyguy?' she asked looking up from the bandages. For a moment he just stood there. When they met she was just a child but when he looked into her blue eyes he didn't see one. He saw a strong, independent woman. A warrior.

  
'Nothing. Just wanted to talk' he whispered.

  
'Then make yourself comfortable.' Padawan nodded toward a chair standing near. Anakin turned it around to face the Togruta and placed his hands on the back of the furniture. Ahsoka patched up a small cut on her hand and threw all the medical containers and bandages back to the pack before turning to her Master. 'You wanted to talk, right?'

  
'Yeah' he smiled but the smile never reached his eyes. Ahsoka new them well. She always believed that eyes are mirrors of the soul and she could read from them. His cold, blue eyes told her a sad history. She knew that sometimes they can be filled with warm love and care and sometimes they showed her uncontrollable anger. But there was also a thing that appeared in his eyes when he thought that no one is watching. He was tired. Tired of the fight that he lied he enjoyed. Tired of secrets that he could never share. Tired of being torn apart by war but also love.

  
'What you did today was very stupid... and brave. What the Orders expects me to tell you is that was what a real Jedi would have done and I'm proud of you. I decided to give you this.' he took out something small from his pocket. When he held it in his hand Ahsoka could take a closer look. It was a black, round bead. 'It's made from a rare mineral called "Hollow Marble". I found it on Goluud Minor. The miners said that it's one of the blackest minerals discovered and it's so strong that it can survive almost anything. Just like you. I think that it'll be a nice addition to your silka beads... and you deserve it.'

  
Giving a Padawan a bead to his braid was an old Jedi tradition. It was not obligatory but Anakin always liked it. In the past each color had its own meaning but the sources were not specific on some of them so he chose black which was always associated with dangerous missions.

  
He watched as Ahsoka gently took it from his hand and added it to her Padawan braid. He could sense that she liked it.

  
'I'm honoured...' she said as their blue eyes met. 'but you said that this is what the Order would expect you to say. Is there something...'

  
'I'm really proud of what you did down there...' he did not let her finish. 'And I know that I can't ask you to stop risking your life 'cause that's our job. Risking our lives to save others... Just next time, don't try to bury yourself without me' he asked and stood up.

  
'I won't' she promised something that both of them knew was a lie. If there's anything that Anakin taught her was that taking risk pays off. She hugged him gently. It was a hard day. Full of emotions and death but this intimacy made her feel a little safer. Anakin took a deep breath. The smell of rain and nlorna flowers worked soothingly on him. She broke the embrace and looked him in the eyes. With a soft smile on her face she watched him leaving her room and going to his cabin.

  
***

The silka beads started to dug into his skin as his grip had been growing stronger and stronger. His eyes slowly moved under the eyelids. His breaths were quiet and regular. He felt nostalgia that he did not want but he couldn't stop the memories....

  
***

Mortis. He hated that place. When the Father told him that he had to stay he was torn apart between his friends and his destiny. That changed something in him but it wasn't the main reason why he loathed this strange world. Ahsoka's dark side taking control, fighting with each other, his words meaning nothing to her... It was hurtful but when he saw her, it hurt so much more. Light side was dying but the only thing that he cared about in that moment was a little, cold body lying on the floor.

  
'Ahsoka' he whispered and ran to her leaving Master Kenobi. He turned her body just to see that her face was still marred by the dark side. Her skin was dark and only whites of her eyes were visible. She looked used up like the dark side... consumed her. No. They shouldn't have come there. All of it was a one, big mistake. This world filled with the Force should be full of miracles but to him it was cursed. Miracles... Maybe there was still time for one more miracle?

  
'Can you help her?' he asked the Father trying to sound calm.

  
'There is no light. The evil has been unleashed and the Dark Side shall consume her.' The fearsome voice of the Force-wielder rang in the air. Anakin understood his words. He just didn't want to comprehend.

 

'You must help her!' Tears were beginning to well in his eyes as he shouted.

  
'I cannot undo what is done!' said the Father furiously holding his dying child in his arms. 'There is no hope.'

  
'Yes, there is! There's always hope!' said Anakin and although he couldn't say anything more he kept repeating this in his mind. He was Ahsoka's Master. He taught her how to be a Jedi Knight. To negotiate. To fight. To feel the Force around her. She taught him too. To believe in people. To believe in himself. To never give up hope, no matter how dark it seems. But it was too dark.

  
And then he saw the light. The Daughter pointed at Ahsoka. He kneeled between them and everything got a little bit blurry. Limitless energy passed through him right into Ahsoka's body. He fell on his hands breathing heavily. One look at her face made him feel even more tired. Nothing changed. He failed and... heard coughing.

  
Young padawan quickly found herself squeezed in a tight hug. She was still confused when Anakin let her go.

  
'Hey, Snips' he smiled gently looking into her confused eyes.

  
'What's going on?' she asked searching for an answer on his and Obi-Wan's faces.

  
'Not much. It's good to see you.' Anakin helped her get up and Kenobi gave the young Togruta her lightsaber.

  
Not much. That was so much simpler than saying what happened.

  
***

The Master and his Padawan had a few days before another mission. Sitting stuck in the Temple might seem useless but he enjoyed this time. It was perfect for some theoretical lessons or meditation with his apprentice. And that was exactly what they were doing. Anakin stood near the balustrade of meditation balcony. He watched the view. The familiar view of Courusant filled him with serenity. He always felt like the planet had two faces. The surface was covered with pointy towers and shiny residences of senators and important celebrities of the Republic. The lower floors were completely different. Full of dark alleys and forgotten areas that were home to many crimes. Here pavements were surrounded by trees and full of sun, underground streets were covered with dirt and lit by too bright neons and advertisements. He turned around and laid back on the handrail. Ahsoka was seating in front of him meditating. Her face looked untroubled.

  
'You know there's something that I forgot about.' He tried to get her attention.

 

'Weren't we supposed to meditate?' asked Ahsoka opening one eye and looking at him suspiciously.

  
'Yeah... As you know I am not a master in meditating and I have to give you this before I forget again.' He threw something in her direction. The Padawan opened her eyes and caught it. She saw a little bead lying on her hand. The orb had a golden colour but Ahsoka new that it was something more intriguing and special than simple gold. The paint on the bead looked like it was... moving. Shining particles were changing all the time creating more and more unique patterns of the reflected light.

  
'And what have I done to deserve it?' she smiled at him and added it to hear silka beads.

  
'Nothing in particular' he responded. 'I wanted to give it to you when you made your second saber but forgot due to some... things. Anyway, your fighting style is really impressive. Believe me, I learned the hard way.'

  
'I'm sorry, I...'

  
'Stop. That's... fine' he interrupted not wanting to talk about their fight on Mortis. 'You weren't yourself.'

  
Anakin looked down. He tried to hide his emotions like a Jedi Knight should. When it came to Ahsoka he always felt like she could read all his feeling just by one look in his eyes.

  
The young Togruta stood up. She walked up to him and gently grabbed his hand. Finally, he stopped staring at the ground and looked her in the eyes. Guilt. He still thought that it was his fault.

  
'It's beautiful' she said. Guilt in his eyes was replaced with surprise. 'The bead, I mean.'

  
He smiled. It wasn't the biggest smile, it wasn't the happiest one either but it was honest and that was enough.

  
***

His breath was irregular. He felt anxiety deep inside of him. Anakin clutched silka beads in his hand. The sharp beads cut into his skin but the pain let him focus even more...

***

The sun shone bright that day although to Anakin it felt like one of the darkest days.

  
'Ahsoka, wait! Ahsoka, I need to talk to you.' His desperate voice run through the air.

She stopped and turned around to face him. Anakin looked in her azure eyes that reflected the sky.

'Why are you doing this?' he asked trying to stop his voice from shaking. 

'The Council didn't trust me, so how can I trust myself?' She wrapped her arms around herself trying to avoid his gaze, too afraid of what she may see in his eyes...

'What about me? I believed in you. I stood by you.' His voice sounded accusatory. Wasn't it enough? He trusted her with his life. He believed in her. Always did.

'I know you believe in me, Anakin, and I'm grateful for that. But this isn't about you.' Their eyes met. Looking at him Ahsoka felt like crushing. She broke the eye contact. 'I can't stay here any longer, not now.'

It hit him. He failed her. All he wanted for her was to be happy but he couldn't even guarantee her that much. Her life became one big mess and he could not change that. He let them hurt her and now she was lost. Deep down he knew that this fight was over but he didn't lose hope. He closed his eyelids praying that his last try will work.

'The Jedi Order is your life. You can't just throw it away like this. Ahsoka, you are making a mistake.'

'Maybe.' Ahsoka's voice was gentle and truthful. He looked at her surprised by her answer. Her face was young and beautiful. He could almost feel the unspoken words on her full lips, pain and tears that won't roll down her cheek. At least not now. 

'But I have to sort this out on my own, without the Council.' she wasn't able to look at him anymore so she turned away painfully aware of his presence behind her back. 'And without you.'

That was it. She was going to leave. He understood that somehow. Anakin sometimes imagined his life if he wasn't a Jedi. It would be completely different. Sometimes he felt that his heart is torn apart.

  
Obi-Wan was like a father to him. He was the one that raised him and learned him everything that he knew. Anakin wanted to made him proud. Wanted to be a good Jedi. But he wasn't sure if he was destined to be one. He was emotional, impulsive and he loved in a way no Jedi should.  
Padme. His wife. Another person that took a part of his heart. He loved her since the first time he saw her. Their relationship was youthful, rebellious and fresh. The young Jedi didn't regret what he did but he started to see things differently. Padme was a great, strong woman but the more time they spend together he saw that they were not perfect. He loved her. Just wasn't sure how. 

And there was Ahsoka. Anakin wasn't able to name their relationship. He was Master and she was his Padawan but... they were so much more.  
Righteous knight, a good husband and her Skyguy... Three different lives for three different people but in his world one couldn't exist without the other. Life without Jedi Order would be so much simpler.

'I understand. More than you realize, I understand wanting to walk away from the Order.' Behind this short sentence were hiding all of his secrets. He couldn't tell them to anyone but...

'I know.'

His eyes widened in shock. He looked at her back. Of course she knew. All of it. Despite this there were words that Anakin would like to tell out loud, problem was that he lived in a world where he couldn't. Instead he walked up to her. Standing just a few centimeters behind her he could feel the smell of rain and nlorna flower, the heat of her body and hear her light breath. He took her hand and closed it around a small bead.

'It's showing the colour of the sky above you. Reminds me of your eyes. It's a goodbye gift, for you to remember me' he whispered. It seemed like the wind had blown his words away because she did not answer. She started walking ahead.

Anakin stood in silence. He watched her leave the marble walls of the Temple. His look was filled with pain. All of their happy memories, still vivid and warm in his mind turned hard and cold. Memories with every detail, painfully carved into his mind like into stone. That's everything what's left of them. This and silka beads in his hand.

***

He opened his eyes. His heavy breath filled the air. He felt uneasy and jittery. He opened his clenched fist just to see that few of the sharp bead had cut through his skin making his hand red because of blood. For a second he couldn't look away from this view. Then he stood up from the meditating position and poured himself some water. He emptied the glass quickly. Resting with hand on the table he realized that he was shaking. Young Jedi left the silka beads next to his lightsaber and went for a medical pack.

After he swathed his palm with the bandage he lay on his bed looking at the empty wall. Trying to calm down. He didn't know how much time had passed when he heard knocking. He rose and went to the door just to see Captain Rex behind them.

'We're near Anaxes, sir.' Rex informed him and left.

The ship reached its destination and that meant he had to prepare for a battle. He walked to the shelf on which he had left his lightsaber. He took the silka beads and tied it to his weapon. His fingers brushed against immortal black and gold orbs.

'For luck' he thought and left the room hoping that somewhere there, on the second edge of the galaxy was the last, blue bead. And she was holding it.

 

War changes everything. It always does. Changes the history, the rulers and politics but what's important - it changes lives of people. Soldiers. Civilians. It's hard for everyone and so it was for peacekeepers who were supposed to lead an army. They weren't who they thought they were anymore. The war is full of death, sacrifice, victories and defeats. There's no place for troubled lovers. Maybe they never said it out loud but they loved each other and in that dark times... it was enough.


End file.
